Clean as a Whistle

I took a shower today. I know, I know; it was a brave thing to do with the weather as cold as it is, but I'm just the kind of guy who's willing to stand up to, if not on, freezing cold floor tiles (editor's note: I wrote this several days ago when it actually was cold). I'm a man of principles, damnit, so all ahead full. I began by washing with the Irish Springs body wash soap purchased for me by my wife, when I noticed this quote (more or less) on the back of the bottle: 

"You're holding an entire country of freshness in one convenient bottle". 

An entire country of freshness. This actually disturbed me just a little, and not just because upwards of 3/4 of any given population stink like a mexican land fill. I mean, do I really want to smell like a country? And if so, is Ireland the country I want to smell like? You see, my wife has been to Ireland. She loved the place, but she once described it to me as thus (paraphrasing to follow): 

"The entire country smells like shit. I got off the plane, stepped on the tarmac, and thought 'Wow, we must be right beside a farm... but no, come to find out, it was the entire country that smelled like that. "

Mmm... let's make a soap out of that! Yes!!! Apparently Ireland is made up of approximately 32% rock, 15% alcholol, and 48% sheep dung. The remaining 5% consists of a couple of patches of grass growing on the rock, and a single tree hidden somewhere on the island. The lack of actual wood really plays into it to this "national identity" because the Irish really like their fire places. So, you might ask, what does one burn when the nearest firewood is a rather longish boat ride away? Why, sheep dung, of course! Yeppers, just toss that pie right in the 'ol fire there. And they *never* run out of that, because Ireland's entire GDP is sheep. I currently work for a company that has a more diversified portfolio than the entire country of Ireland. This is how I know that Global Warming is just a great big joke perpetrated on the commoners by our "World Leaders", because otherwise Ireland would be crapping itself over the possiblity of the the wool market going in the tank. Instead, they're breeding more sheep and those sheep are, in return, ensuring that Ireland retains it's "distinct, regional olfactory identity".

So where does that leave me in regards to personal cleansing choices? Ireland is a place where sheep dung covers the ground, suffuses the air, and having witnessed some of the national dishes I suspect it may be in the food. Within about 24 hours, any matter in Ireland currently identifiable on the periodic chart will have bonded with sheep dung molecules to form Ire-Matter, a matter identified not by it's component molecules, but by it's smell. Clearly this was not intended by God to be made into a soap. However, the bar soap was a full six feet away, five of which was over cold morning floor tiles, so the end was never in doubt. It's "smell like Ireland" day in Steve Land, and as it turns out I highly doubt they actually bottled Ireland. If they did, my wife was kind enough to not comment on the smell. Thanks babe, you're the best.