500lb Midgit Octuplets

Yup. THAT got your attention, didn't it? It's my next billion dollar idea. and I am going to own the Neilson Ratings with it. It's my new reality T.V. show: "The Five Hundred Pound Midgit Octuplet Family".  I'm not kidding at all. We've clearly reached that point in this country, so I might as well make some money off of it. Don't believe me? Look at what's on television now. I'm flipping around Direct TV the other night and what do I wander across? A show that can be best summed up as "Hey look, we're midgits." That's all it was. It was a regular family doing all of the exact same things any other family in this country does. Same eating. Same activities. Same everything. They just happend to be mostly shorter than a Boston Terrier. The only thing that makes watching that show any different from video recording yourself during the day, then sitting down in the evening to watch a replay of exactly what you just got done doing all day, is midgits. And you know what? That show is in at least it's second season, and you guys are freakin' watching it! If I told you that I was going to walk across the street to stare in my neighbors window because they were midgits, and I found that fascinating, you would all condemn me. "Midgit stalker!" you might call out. But as soon as you were done condemning me you would walk back inside your own house and flip on that midgit show! You should be ashamed of yourselves. 

"Hey Bob, wanna come over and watch a show about real people doing increadible mundane things?"

"Uh.. not really"

"It's got midgits!"

"Woohoo! I'm in!!!"

And hey, let's not make this post all about midgits (because that would just be weird). Advertised on that very same midgit show was The 500lb Family. Even worse! And just between you and me, I don't think 500lbs refers to the sum of all the family members. At least little people being people do something. They work. They play. They move. What does a 500lb person do? Attract flies? Should I be obvious here and say "eat"? I just want someone who watches that show to respond to this post and tell me how they can possibly fill 30 minutes of showtime by filming a human being that has become so fat that they are incapable of moving themselves. What are you actually watching? Have you no pride? Are you seriously telling me that there is nothing going on in your lives that is more important than watching a volskwagon sized pile of cellulite occupy space?

And so, as long as we're talking about large amounts of person, let's talk about the octuplets. Once again, all over the television and probably lining up for a weekly T.V. show. All I can think of is "Why do we not require a license before you can have children"? We license guns. We license cars. We license fishing for God's sake. Don't you think the ability to inflict yourself on helpless, unsuspecting, innocent little children should be licensed? And I feel guilty because it's MY tax money that's supporting this lunatics ability to keep popping out kids like a Pez dispenser. Doesn't that make me somewhat at fault? Should I show up at the woman's house, scoop up the FOURTEEN CHILDREN and say "Hey, I'm paying for these kids, I'm at least going to take them home and try to raise them in some sort of normal, non-self-absorbed-psycho-delusional type environment? Or, should a turn off the stupid television and spend that time writing a letter to my congresman, telling him that if he doesn't put an end to the stupid entitlement laws supporting this kind of behaviour, I'm going to drive down to his house and horse whip him with my fully licensed fishing rod?

So there it is. Three case studies clearly indicating Five Hundred Pound Midgit Octuplets will take the television world by storm. Sure, I after all the complaining I just did I could take the moral high ground and not produce such a show, but the last time I checked the exchange rate, the dollar was killing moral highground.

P.S. The entire time I was writing this post, my wife was saying Ray Lamontagne's name in various french accents.